Taylor Swift in Feud with Self

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August 19, 2079

NASHVILLE, TN — Taylor Swift is reportedly feuding with herself. The 89-year-old pop star released her 59th studio album yesterday titled I’m the Victim. The first single, I Never Forget, is about an elderly woman fighting with her reflection in the mirror.

Though Swift has not confirmed that the woman she sings about in the song is in fact herself, fans point to specific lyrics to support this theory. “He fought with me/And now he’s six feet under/But I’m still here/And I never forget,” Swift sings. Fans were quick to notice that the album was released on the 17th anniversary of Kanye West’s passing. The rapper and the pop star notoriously feuded for six decades. After the first eight years, West seemed to lose interest and never referred to Swift in his music or interviews. However, Swift continued the battle even after West stopped engaging, cryptically mentioning her vendetta against her now-deceased foe in 63 songs, including her latest single.

The song also alludes to Swift’s other long-time adversary Katy Perry with the lyrics, “You may have forgotten all about me/Because your memory left you and went away/But I’m still here/And I never forget.” Fans speculated that this is a veiled reference to 94-year-old Perry’s dementia. When Rolling Stone interviewed Perry last year in her Malibu assisted-living facility, Perry responded, “Who’s Taylor Swift?” to the question if there was any end in sight for their feud.

But not all of Swift’s enemies are dead or senile. The newest addition to her list of names—and probably in red, underlined—is original squad member Selena Gomez. The former best friends had a falling out earlier this year when Swift announced she was dating Gomez’s 18-year-old grandson. “I’m uncomfortable with the age difference,” Gomez told Vanity Fair. “He’s too young to understand what he’s getting himself into. Taylor Swift will eat him alive.”

Following Gomez’s comments, the internet was flooded with memes of Swift’s face on a snake’s body with her jaw detached and swallowing her teenage boyfriend whole.

Swift defended her dating choices in an Instagram post. “I think it’s okay for an 89-year-old woman to date an 18-year-old guy because I’m a feminist,” Swift wrote.

In response, Gomez tweeted, “I don’t think she understands what feminism is.”

This isn’t the first time Swift has faced backlash for dating a teenager. Two years ago she dated ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s then-19-year-old grandson, John Mayer, III (coincidentally, 19 was Swift’s age when she dated his grandfather). She was even spotted at a mahjong game wearing a t-shirt that read, “I <3 JMIII.” Two months later, when the teenager dumped her over text, Swift re-released her song Dear John and changed the lyric “Don’t you think 19’s too young/To be played by your dark, twisted games?” to “Don’t you think 19’s too young/For you to play dark, twisted games?” The re-released song is included as a bonus track on I’m the Victim and solidifies Swift’s adeptness in eschewing responsibility whether she’s 19 or just dating someone’s who’s 19.

I’m the Victim is Swift’s first album in five years, marking the biggest gap between releases in Swift’s career. Her previous album, which was released shortly after the second coming of Christ, focused on her four-month relationship with Jesus. In response to the album, Jesus issued a statement through the Catholic Church saying that he and Swift were never dating. He loves her the way he loves all people but not in the way she thought he did. While never mentioning Jesus by name, Swift’s lyrics included, “You think you’re so great because you can turn water into wine/Everyone praising you has gone to your head/It’s time to get off your cross/And apologize for what you did to me.”

This was the beginning of Swift’s feud with the Catholic Church. While Swift maintains that she has never received an apology from Jesus, the Catholic Church has said that it forgives Swift and is no longer feuding with her.

Throughout her career, Swift has drawn parallels between her own victimhood and the persecution of oppressed minorities. Back in 2019, Swift compared her struggles to those of the LGBTQ community by appearing in front of the Stonewall Inn in the video for You Need to Calm Down. Subsequent videos showcased the wealthy cis-gender pop star at the U.S.-Mexico border and the villages of the Rwandan genocide. For the album cover for I’m the Victim Swift posed in front of Auschwitz.

Although many fans of Swift, known as Swifties, have followed her career since the beginning, it remains to be seen whether the original Swifties will identify with I’m the Victim now that most of them are in their eighties.

“I was 15 when the song Fifteen came out,” said Jennifer Jones, an original Swiftie and also a resident in the same nursing home as Swift. “I felt like she was speaking directly to me, like she was reading my mind. But now I don’t identify with her music as much. Most days I’m doing dialysis, and I’m too senile to remember if I’m fighting with anyone. She’s still writing songs about boys and celebrity feuds. I can’t relate to that anymore. I guess I’ve grown up.”

At press time, I’m the Victim has already shattered every music record and is the best-selling album of all-time.

A native of the Washington, DC area, Aliza Epstein is a non-profit manager by day and an aspiring writer by night.